a love poem

[Falcoknight]

i timed myself, 2 minuits, and i stop this is my 2 minuit love poem

the lovely sun
shuns all under
it scours the land
with its ancient sunder

the only thing
that stands to it
is your shining face
beloved lady

for it is true
that your fair hue
is blessed upon
this land and far

I know not
how to say
that one day
I will be yours

for I have made oath
that one day
I will catch you with my arms
and kiss you

in days of old
we will be married
You in one arm
and in the other

my lovely son…

Note: The first and last line

 

[Undead_Lives]

Hm, not bad I guess. Just a few things about it:
1. The rhyming scheme didn't follow a pattern. It seemed you just put in a rhyme whenever you felt like it.
2. You should use more commas and periods.
3.

beloved lady[/b]

You should make that "my beloved lady"
4.

You in one arm[/b]

I would make that "You in one arm of mine"
5. Your first "the" should have a capital. Along with all of the places you should have periods.

That's all....nice poem.

 

[Kem Rixen]

for I have made oath[/b]

Needs some fixing as well...

I'll be honest, I can't stand love poems, I prefer to use cliches to be romantic as it makes me laugh, pointing out the cliches of course.

 

[Xeridanus]

He did it in two minutes... I think that is very impressive. I do one line a week, I'm up to four. lol.
And I'm not posting it here, unless you really want me to.

 

[Fladian]

Anything that fills the forum is fine, I guess.

*has no comment on the poem yet*

 

[Xeridanus]

True, but I'd rather not till it's finished... ah heck, heres what I got:

When you are with me, all I can do is smile.
You say you have to go, I say "Wait a while."
There is nothing as warm as your complete embrace.
With every moment you are close, my heart begins to race.

EDIT: I will post this in it's own topic. It's finshed now too, though I had some help, not much.

 

[Undead_Lives]

Very very nice. Well thought out. But please, post it in your own topic. This one is for Falcoknight's.

 

[Falcoknight]

yeah its not very good, i didn't even read over it, though i impressed a i really liked so thats good

though i disagree with the rhyming post, not all poems need a rhyming sceam, mines more like the concept of a hiaku, its not meant for rhyming but its meant for feelings..

and "my lovely lady" is wrong i think, because, she isn't mine, infact the poem is about hopes, not about whats happening, unfortunatly it follows my hopes which wont happen lol

 

[Undead_Lives]

Ok, true, not all poems need a rhyming scheme. But when you DO rhyme and not in a particular fashion then it kinda makes it confusing....
In other words, choose your words wisely

 

[Fladian]

I've read it several times before, but never really made a comment about it because of several reasons, which are not necessary to mention.

Fact remains that it is only decent, but it was made in a hurry. As you said, it was made in two minutes.
Though I agree with the fact that a "love poem" should come directly out of the heart, it often is good to give it a moment of thought, instead of rushing it.

 

[Undead_Lives]

Though I agree with the fact that a "love poem" should come directly out of the heart, it often is good to give it a moment of thought, instead of rushing it.[/b]

That's very true. However, I don't ever write love poems, for other reasons.

 

[james1654]

Awww, a love poem who have you got a twinkle in your eye for falco? :yay:

I think he likes Arkidas but then u will have to cheat on him so u can get a son from a woman. Pffft, gay relations allways end in heartbreak . . . All you have to do is ask Fladian, he knows from experience.

Lol, Joking, I am sorry but i just cant help having a little joke. :yay:

 

[Fladian]

Yes, well, such a discussion has been spoken over in the early part of the 'True Identity' thread before, which didn't end up well.

I suggest finding a better sense of humor, because most of it/this could offend people.

Also, I am everything but gay.

 

[Undead_Lives]

I don't think he was refering to you Flad....or was he? :/

 

[Fladian]

He definitely was.
"All you have to do is ask Fladian, he knows from experience."