the "hairs" are dried stimata's from the female flower, they grow out and colect the polen durring the reproductive cycle.
the" crystals" are actualy the mushroom shaped glands (about 1/20th the size of a pin head) that contain thc, cbd, or cbn depenting on maturity/age of the gland. the clear glands that are primarly thc sparkle in the surface of the leaf so people missuse the word crystal rather than the corect term gland, or trichome:
and your right, you don't want to smoke any of it, we should all have the opertunity to buy a volcano vaperizor knockoff from wallmart for $89 and not polute out lungs with all that tar and carbon monoxide. (a real volcano vap will run you $550)
Unfortunatly too many people have been brainwashed that Cannabis is a "drug" like processed chemicals heroin, cocaine, alchol, ect and not a God given herb to heal mankind.