Well, goddammit..
Guess I shoulda put a little more research into it before getting it. My mom was sweatin' me about Christmas presents so I was like "I'll just tell her to get me this badass video card" [this was before the X1K series dropped..] not thinking it'd actually happen.
Then on Christmas day, there it was. So I didn't really even have a chance to put any thought into it - I more or less just pointed at one and said "oooh!".
So the lesson here is, be sure to find out what kind of slot you have available for graphics cards - AGP, PCI, PCI Express, etc. I think I'm just gonna try and swap this one out for an X850 XT PCI card. Fuck it, maybe I'll man up for a PCI X1K joint.
Thanks for all the help folks!