I understand how you feel. How do I know? Because I used to be the same kind of person. Until I accidentally cut myself, I had the motivation to change myself and the area around me, which eventually turned out to be for the better. I'll come back to that later on.
Recently, my personality has started to reflect basically what you see in my avatar. I have lots of friends who can't seem to stand the fact that I don't come anywhere close to being as social or friendly as they are.[/b]
That sounds familiar. But if they "can't stand it," then I don't believe they are real friends. Friends are also the people who accept someone as they are. If they don't, then they are nothing more than acquaintances to me; and believe me, I have a lot of those.
But I already mentioned it somewhere, there is a giant difference between acquaintances and friends to me.
One of these friends in particular I would really like to strangle right now, because he ruined a relationship I was starting to get in with this girl whom i've been really good friends with ever since I met her over two years ago.[/b]
*scratches the back of his head*
In a way, I understand that as well. I think people on the forum got the point a bit that my limits of what I can, or will do are higher/longer for specific girls than I do for most other people - not necessarily just guys. That's part of my personality. I just tend to act different to some people than others. Before someone comes shouting at me: "You always do that when you like someone," then my answer is: 'Yes, that's true.' But I act similar to those I don't like as to those I do like, them having a boyfriend or not. That is of no concern... though it does start to annoy me now after six years.
Oh, and no, I'm not a player/pimp.
But a situation similar to what you said, Tebebrae is something I am, unfortunately, also familiar with. As a result of that, I locked myself away from the social life and created Fladian Lince. A(n online) personality that is something I looked up to but never could become... or that was what I thought back then. Until I realized that I was just "hiding," I was just being Fladian Lince.
I knew that girl for three years.
I've recently gotten into a habit of writing more and more poems about anger and loss than anything I used to do. I don't think my change in personality is having much of a good effect on me, but I don't really care
[/b]
That was the main reason for me to start writing again. That I liked to write before I
got hurt is a fact. Before I got RSI, I wrote at every moment I had. When I got RSI, I didn't stop, what I should have done. I ignored the pain and kept going until the pain didn't go away anymore and it was too much for me to handle. I stopped writing and getting on the computer at home as much as possible - I had a study course that involved a lot of computer work - therefore, I started to paint. I did that for a year of time. After that, I started to return to the computer. I typed slower, but I was still able to do everything.
After
several things happened, I started to write again... mostly poems at the first. I have quite a few documents on my computer with them still.
I hate being angry. I can't stand myself when I am, and I don't want people to see me being angry. When being sad, I don't really mind being seen, but not when I'm angry. I know myself too well for that... when I get angry, I'll say things I'm definitely going to regret later on. When I'm starting to get pissed off, I usually go to a place not far away from home to "blow off some steam." Nowadays, that place is no longer there and I have more trouble to control my anger too. I'm not as patient as I used to be, unfortunately.
When I used to be sad, I did write a lot. Actually, sadness might just be the strongest motivation I had to write. Nowadays, I don't really have anything to be sad about. "I don't want to regret anything."
The change of personality in my case packed out well.
For those of you who are wondering why I've suddenly become such a loner (at least, more so than I was before), I guess it's because I've come to the realization that almost every time I start to enjoy something, I lose it. [/b]
Funny that you say it. I have been thinking about those words for quite some time now and was planning to mention the subject to a friend of mine some time soon. I tend to talk about such things with him a lot and we usually come to a (or not) nice conclusion that satisfies both our needs.
I became a
loner because of a similar reason as well. But like I said earlier, out of the sadness and the lonely part, I created a(n online) new personality. That personality got the name of Fladian Lince, therefore it's lastname. Unfortunately for me, Fladian became a bit too influental in my life and locked me away from the real world a bit too much.
Tenebrae, are you familiar with the quote: "Why do you learn to live when knowing that everything will have to die?" I surely am. ("There is only thing you
must. You
must die, eventually." - de Haan) Now my own words: Why would you want to enjoy something when you know it won't last forever? Because people live only at the moment where you are in now. Why would you want to have fun? Because you want to feel better at that certain moment. When you start to enjoy something, you lose it, is part of it. Find something new to enjoy it.
I'm a very lazy guy personalitywise. I cannot motivate myself into doing something without a reason. Except the basic stuff, like eating, drinking, breathing, etc. But to take school as example. I won't go as long as I don't have a reason except for the first few weeks. I call them "motivation points," something I strive to. I tend to find one during the start of a school year. One of them is better than the other, but they usually do the trick. They are often impossible for me to achieve, but the closer I get, the more I know I have changed over the years. This year, something went very, very wrong though. I lost my "motivation point" and I completely broke down. Everything I was good in disappeared, and even my grades from school felt the hit. The hit to my grades was hard enough to maybe stop me from graduating this year. I was desperate to find a new motivation point in a short amount of time, but I failed completely. Only a while after I lost it, I managed to get a new one, but it was too late then. But I didn't know yet that I found the strongest motivation point of them all at that time, what probably saved me. Cliche as it could sound, it is true. The motivation point are
almost impossible for me to achieve, but they
are possible to achieve. I achieved the last motivation point in the last week of my school year. The tests I made after that week went extremely well. From all grades I didn't have enough to graduate, all of them were removed except for one in a week of time. I amazed "friend and foe" with what I started to do. Even I didn't know that I could do all that, and I didn't know how it would feel to achieve my motivation point. There is only one bad part about it, I must admit. I fell in love with the smile of someone...
Why am I telling this? You said that you realized that every time you started to enjoy something, you lose it. Then do it the way I do. When you lose it, find something else to enjoy. No matter what it is. I'm not you, I don't know what you enjoy the most. Me? I like to be liked. I hate being the centre of the attention, but I cannot stand the fact not being liked.
Likewise, everytime I start to become really good friends with someone, a distance suddenly starts to grow between me and that person. [/b]
That was what I was referring to earlier. Fladian is not too different from the real me anymore - but I like the real me more now. Therefore it shouldn't be too hard to see that I don't really have trouble to make people "like me." It's a personality that people don't usually dislike of what I have in real life, which is the only flaw in Fladian. Would it be school, my job or just plain someone I meet from going out (which don't happen often) and I tend to hang out with those people, I usually become "friends" with them. The point always comes to put it to a halt as well. I don't like it, but after such things happen more than six or seven years already, I've come to accept it. ("What starts out passionate, is something you don't have any control over" - Clouseau)
There are only a few people I know who are still close friends with me.[/b]
That's the same for me, but even now, we are slowly starting to grow apart.
People know it. I used to be shy... shy enough to stop myself from doing a lot of things. I could not start to talk with someone without a reason (oh wait, I still can't
) but I could not continue a conversation with someone I was not too familiar with. Something I only love to do now. As a matter of fact, I could not even speak to most girls without starting to stutter or just sound impossible to understand. I once made a giant mistake, something I still regret to the fullest 'till this very day. "Are you really satisfied now?" was then asked to me. It was something I could not bear to hear. I'm not sure how or why, but I changed very little during a few years. I did not grow (or barely, for that matter) and my personality changed only a little. I did not act the way my age would say I was. After I made that mistake, I "shouted" to myself that I wanted to change, change so I will never make that mistake again. That happened. I became what I am now, and... well, I'm very satisfied. The only thing that is missing on my side is a loving girlfriend.
But that is something I don't have to worry about anymore... people always told me: "Just wait, it is a matter of time." But because it never came, I decided to start meddle with it. NOW, it is a matter of time.
*scratches the back of his head*
I have a messed up personality... *looks away*
