What in the crap is wrong with being a loner!?! As long as you don't think that your life totally, completely, 100 % sux, then there's nothing wrong with it, is there?[/b]
In the eyes of the "loner," nothing is wrong with it, that's because they aren't used to anything else. For those who are more social than the "loner," then it is hard to understand. It would be the same for a loner to start talking to a lot of people all of a sudden, only backwards. It's something that is hard to understand because the person is not used to anything else.
In my opinion, there is nothing really wrong in being a loner. Though when I see such people at school, I tend to pity them and ask them to get around with me and the... uh... crew. Though I fall a bit "out of the boat" at the people I hang out with at school though.
In case your wondering, here's why I bring this up. During lunch at my school, I usually sit with a group of more "social" people, only because they're the only people I can really call friends. [/b]
That's funny. The people I hang out with at school (during any break) are people I call acquaintances instead of friends. Most of them call me a "friend," but that is not how I see them. Most of my
real friends, are not a student of this school. The group of people that I
hang out with are a bit of a mixed theme. Take one of them as example, he's big, he looks strong, he is not afraid to say what he feels to people he know, but he completely shuts himself off when there is at least one person around that he doesn't know. "I'm too shy," were his own words about it.
Back at High School, there came a time when I had to redo a class, together with a friend (I didn't pass my second year). Despite us being in seperate classes, we still had to redo the second year. All my friends were split up and started to hang out with different people too. Except for the guy that had to redo the second year too, I stayed with all others. That was all fine and all, until the day came that they graduated. Because I didn't know anyone to hang out with - and was too shy to get to know people - I went to the guy who had to redo the second year too. The people he hanged out with was the full reason why I placed the other people on a higher priority... their looks were... terrifying.
And not the type of people I hang out with.
Some years has passed now, but I still have contact with most of the people I mentioned. Not to mention one of them that keeps reminding me how I "flew with my bike." *uhhum*
One of them, however, will not get off my back about going around a socializing more. I mean, usually when I'm done eating, I just get out my CD player and listen to it while reading a book or something, but then my friend comes over and tries to take it away from me while saying "Come on! You need to socialize more!"[/b]
That doesn't really sound familiar to me. When I am not interested in the conversations no longer, I pull out my mini-rado and listen to that. Unfortunately, I have no connection inside the school, so I don't have much of a choice what I do.
Unfortunately, if I stay with the same group, the same subject keeps occuring. You see, football (soccer) is the most popular sport out here, and quite often a subject to speak about... not to mention a very common subject in the group I am in. That's because most of us are supporting a different club, with me being a
special one. Something like that gets quite tiring after a few months... not to mention that I never won the bets we made.
He seems to think that I don't socialize with people because I'm too timid to do so. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I don't socialize with people because I just don't WANT to. I'm not a "people" person. But my friends can't seem to stand the fact that i'm not. [/b]
*scratches the back of his head*
I can relate to that. Over the last two years, I changed more than I even understand myself and it was clear that my body couldn't keep up with it either at a certain moment. I did learn that I am able to drop in any conversation that is going on. I have no problems with that, as long as it is a conversation I know a lot about, or if there is someone among them I know. Even if that means I've only spoken to that person once. If they are people I never talked to, I can't do anything either. It's something I'm trying to get over it, but I'm not sure how. I can, however, do so when I have one heck of a good reason, such as going to my job. Does that make me non socializing when I'm in a group of people I don't know? Yes, probably. I'll remain quiet until I find the right moment to speak. After I found that moment, it is only a matter of time before I get looser and start to talk. I need a certain amount of time to adjust to my enviroment and the people around me. Sometimes, that just won't happen... but the less people there are, the faster the adjustment goes. Some say: "Get drunk, you'll forget about it," but that's not the case for me. Being drunk does not affect me much in m personality. Despite doing some weird stuff.
Being drunk only increases the process of me adjusting to my surroundings. If I am completely adjusted to it, and the people around me, I'm just like I'm drunk.
And while we're on this subject, what's wrong with wearing black either!?! I wear black a lot, but that doesn't officially make me a goth or anything, but that same friend always comes up to me and says, "Dude, are you going gothic or something?"
There's nothing wrong with wearing black! It's a cool color, so I like to wear it![/b]
The colors of my clothes look boring. I tend to wear grey, blue and black the most. But because of the people I hang out with (and the way I look), I am not quickly mistaken for a "gothic." Back at High School, I was warned once though by two good friends.
"Ed, perhaps it is best if you don't hang out with us. You'll be called a gothic and other kind of stuff if you do." My answer to it was that I didn't care. I want to stay with the people I know, the people I call friends.
But for a loner, the situation quickly falls different. Take a look at it yourself. Someone who is dressed completely black all the time and doesn't say a word (or so it looks to some people), that can't be someone good. He, or she must have something we don't know off. What was that quote again? "People fears that what they don't know."
I already told about myself being of what I am. But there was someone else too. From my second year of High School until my last year (three years). She could be described in a few words: Red hair, lots of make up, always dressed in blue and skinny and very, very much a loner type. Bang. Bulls eye. I can't remember the start of my second year, but she was in the class then. I didn't notice that she suddenly disappeared. I had other things to worry about at that moment, not to mention that I never spoke to her. I couldn't; girls were outside of my 'area.'
About five months after not showing up, I recall someone saying: "Hey, there's <insert name here> again. Is she coming back to class?" But people couldn't recall her name anymore. Most of my classmates, including me, looked at each other trying to figure out who that other classmate was talking about. The way I described her was how she was described back then too. According to rumors, she was afraid of people gossiping about her. I guess she never thought of the fact that the gossip would only get more if she didn't show up. But back then, I didn't care.
Throughout the year, she was dispised by everyone in class. All boys and girls didn't like her, and just about everyone ignored her. Now I'm sitting here, I can't imagine how she could hang on like that. "Look at all that make-up," were common words back then. We were kids back then, people shouted names. Some even called her "the girlfriend of Danny," a classmate of mine that was just as shy as me and extremely,
extremely skinny. Not to mention he was just as short as me. She was insulted in every possible way.
I thought that it would end when we got in our third year. But we ended up in the same class, and nothing changed. She was a little bit more accepted, but not much. Barely anyone could notice it. "That ugly skinny girl," were the most common words then. But still, I didn't care. After all, why should I? It's not like I ever talked with her. In more than two years of time, I don't think we even spoke a word to each other.
In our last year, where we shared the same class once again, things changed a bit. Overtime, she kept using less and less make-up until the senior year. The little she used was barely noticable. The blue jacket she kept wearing from second class was still on her during senior year... though it was old now, and a bit torn at some parts. It fits her looks, I guess. Her long red hair did stay remarkable. "That ugly skinny girl" were still the most common insults to her. A number of people did stop to insult her in our senior year... only logical, people grow up.
It was not until the day of our final exams that we finally spoke to each other. We had our exam of IP, my homeroom class, not to mention that I never have been too good in it (I became better in it when I graduated, strangely enough). She and I were sitting in front of each other, but we only spoke when we finished. She was standing in the hallway, waiting for her only friend (which wasn't really a friend, I later heard) when I came by. I asked some random questions in which we finally started to talk a bit. What was expected to be a conversations of a few minutes, if not seconds ended up to be a conversation of more than trhee hours.
I could hardly believe how she actually was. I immediately started to like her and then it hits me: "Why does everyone hate her anyway? I'm a loner type as well, but I'm not hated, as a matter of fact, I'm quite liked." I started to ask around about what people thought of her. But 90% gave a similar answer. They didn't like her, but actually forgot why. They just went with the flow, as if they were nothing else they used to do. Therefore, I looked at if there were things she was exceptional good in, or bad. Definitely not Gym (P.E.), she sucked just as much as me in it.
But there was nothing in particular that placed her in the high light.
Her school grades were only average too.
But there was one class she was good in... very good, that is. English class. I've never been in a class where more than five people were able to get decent grades without too much trouble. From the second until last year of high school, there were only three people who were good in English. One of them was a guy that easily got a 7/10 at average, without too much trouble. On the other hand, her average was
higher than a 9/10. Normally, someone would get in the spot light when something like that happened... unfortunately for her, she was in the same class as the only guy who got constant perfect scores (or a 9,8/10 - 9,9/10) and therefore ended his school year with a perfect score. Yes, me. That was the only class I was exceptional good at, though I have more bad memories of it than good ones, unfortunately, so you'll never see me brag about it.
It was great on the last day of our exams when she and I got on friendly account of what we said to each other. I started the small conversation by asking:
"What did you get?"
"The usual. A 9 and a 10. You're on now?"
"Yeah."
"Make sure you get higher than me this time, okay?"
In the end, she didn't. She scored two full grades lower than me (8 and 9). I never figured out what exactly was that people hated about her. I did not find her ugly either, mind you. She was not so different from me in terms of personality back then.
During our "graduation party," I wanted to say that I liked her and at least hang out some more. Maybe I did because I pitied her, or maybe it was because I really did like her. Whatever it was, I was fully determined. I did mess up though. I
tried to find her after we graduated, but in vain. I could not find her and eventually gave up. In the end, I only wanted to apologize to her about how I, and others, acted to her.
Six months ago, I met an old classmate from that time. He suddenly said that he regained contact with that girl because she was a friend of a friend of a friend (no joke
). I could have asked him to get me in contact with her; but I didn't. I don't think my apology was no longer necessary... and... I was focusing on a specific girl at that time (in vain too). I must admit that I did consider it.
I was a loner too, but I became what I am now. I didn't want to regret what I did any longer, I wanted to shape my own future with my own hands instead of waiting and seeing what will come. Look to where I am now. Did it help? I am convinced it did, but I can never say it for sure. There was one person similar to me in my younger days... he changed too. But not enough to become someone really different. I did. I can finally say: "You won't recognize me anymore."
Are you familiar with the quote: "You can't change overnight"? I wanted to prove that it was wrong. But I failed. I could change myself in a quick amount of time,
but I am unable to keep it up. I wanted to change faster than my body could handle. I, unfortunately, got a very incosistant personality because of that. The one day I was nice and outgoing and the other day I was the kind of "loner" type that didn't want to socialize. You could see the changes over time, that I acted more and more often like the outgoing type. Until the day came... only a few months ago when I noticed that it was no longer incosistant.
When I look at my right wrist I see my wrist. I no longer see the scar that used to be there. That scar... that scar motivated me every day to become more and more to what I am now.
-Fladian
